It's not about YOU
When we indulge in self-pity, we have elevated our importance in our own eyes. Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought.” We are thinking too highly of ourselves when we allow life’s hurts and injustices to dictate our emotional state. Bitterness can quickly override the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22) that should be dominating the life of every believer. First Thessalonians 5:18–19 tells us that we are not to “quench the Holy Spirit.” Instead, we are to give thanks in everything. It is impossible to give thanks while clinging to self-pity, because, by definition, a self-indulgent attitude is not focused on gratitude to others. Self-pity cannot be thankful at all for what God has allowed.
This post may be lengthy.....you have been warned lol
Instead of the usual devotional i wanted to write to you from a very real place.
My life like so many others has been filled with some amazing ups and some earth shattering downs. I have been on the mountain top where rejoicing came so easy and I have suddenly found myself in the valley moments where a prayer seems like the hardest thing to utter.
Abandonment, Divorce, Trust Issues, Hurt, Unforgiveness, Depression, Cripling anxiety. I've been there.. Now I would love to say I always handled mysleft in some super spiritual way where I did everything exactly right. But I can't. I left my mark in a lot of ways and not always for the good. I wish I could say that I always got it right but I didn't. You know why? Because despite my greatest efforts I am still HUMAN. Frustrating I know lol.
Anyway to make a long story short after years of full time ministry and seemingly having everything my world fell apart. It all came undone right before my eyes and quickly. I found myself at my lowest of lows, struggling to function, struggling to find purpose for my life, struggling to understand. I went low and I mean low. I even had moments where I considered my usefulness in this world and if everyone would be better off without me. You see I don't fail well. Its a huge flaw of mine. I HATE failure. and at 30 years old looking yourself in the mirror and trying to reconcile the fact that no matter what the reasons or circumstances I couldn't hold it all together and I failed.
Blame was easy..
Blame the Ex
Blame the Church
Blame the Friends
Blame the Devil
What was not so easy was Blaming myself.. I mean who wants to admit that they had any part of their own undoing.
It took years for me to get it. To understand that somewhere along the way I had let Pride and Arrogance and Self Image take over. I couldn't see what I had allowed the enemy to do to me because I didn't wanna see it. I just wanted to wallow.. I wanted the pity. I wanted the comfort.. I wanted to play the victim. God had to bring me low in order for me to look at myself. Some of you know I spent a few years traveling and singing. Now let me be clear my heart was always in it and I committed to that ministry with my whole heart and gave it my all. But it felt empty somehow. Deep down I knew I was running from my real calling. Not that I didn't wanna do it, but that I felt I had failed so badly that I was no good to anyone anymore in the church ministry. When God told me to come to CPC I didn't understand why. I couldn't wrap my head around it all. When I was approached to lead the Music Ministry I had a hard time accepting that God wanted me to go that direction. I did it, honestly begrudgingly, but I did it. That was a year ago. In that time I have seen God do some amazing things with the ministry, the people and with myself. I now find myself in a position familiar but with a new outlook. I understand that the experiences of my life brought me to where I am. I understand that its not about me and never was. I look at our church and the vision of the leadership and I see the big picture. I have seen people change their perspectives because of what God has done in me. You see... I now understand that my life isn't about me at all.. My story isn't for my own benefit...
Everything that got me to here is what my ministry is. Your story is your ministry. Every event, even the moments when we are not following Gods lead in our lives plays a part in the big picture. Its all preparation for the calling. So if your reading this and you are trying to find your path.. Trying to find your place.. Stop and look around, chances are you are already there. Chances are you have walked through some things and have powerful story to tell. Take those moments, share them with someone, and watch what God can do with your mess. Its pretty amazing.